The Reminder Remedy with Alena Conley

Trauma Bonding, Domestic Violence and Human Trafficking with Alexandra Ford

• Alena Conley • Season 6 • Episode 67

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In this powerful episode of "The Reminder Remedy," host Alena Conley sits down with Alexandra Ford from The Laughing Survivor, an anti-human trafficking organization. They delve into Alexandra's personal journey of discovering her past experiences as human trafficking, the nuances of trauma and domestic abuse, and the impact of these gateways on entering such predicaments. The conversation also explores the broad implications of consent, coercive control, and trauma bonding within the context of human trafficking.

Key Highlights:

  1. Understanding Human Trafficking
    • Alexandra shares her realization that what she had previously understood as domestic violence was, in fact, human trafficking, reshaping her life's mission towards advocacy and prevention.
  2. The Role of Consent in Trafficking
    • The discussion highlights the critical distinction between consent and coercion, emphasizing the importance of enthusiastic consent and the deceptive complexities surrounding consent in abusive dynamics.
  3. Protective Measures and Community Safety
    • Insights into how communities can establish protective measures to prevent trafficking and ensure safety, drawing from Alexandra's work with her non-profit organization, Uprising.

Mentioned Resources:

Connect with Alexandra Ford:

Episode Quotes:

  • "If you can't say no, your yes is not a yes." - Alexandra Ford
  • "It's about broadening our understanding of consent to only an enthusiastic yes is a yes." - Alexandra Ford

Welcome to the Reminder Remedy Podcast. I'm your host, Alina Conley, a personal development expert and coach. This podcast is for leaders, innovators, and culture shifters. We explore personal growth, leadership development, and the journey towards a fulfilling life. With the aim of leading ourselves to effectively lead others through insightful interviews, discussions, and inspiring stories, we unlock the secrets to a better existence and a better world, whether you seek inspiration or practical guidance, I'm here to remind you of your incredible potential because everything you need is everything you got. Let's get into it. Today's podcast episode is brought to you by Audible. Everyone is always asking me, Alina, how do you read so many books? And I have always responded, well, I finally crossed over and started adapting to audiobooks. And I do that through Audible. Audible lets you enjoy all your audio entertainment in one place. You'll always find the best of what you love or something new to discover. If you open up my audiobooks right now, you'll see I've tuned into Dopamine Nation, Good Insights, Essentialism, which I shared with you guys that I've reread for the eighth time, and Dr. Arthur Brooks from Strength to Strength, and the list goes on. You'll also discover exclusive Audible originals from top celebrities, one of my favorite audio books was Will Smith's autobiography where he entertained me thoroughly every day when I was able to tune in. You'll also hear from renowned experts and exciting new voices in audio. Members also get full access to a growing selection of included audio books, Audible originals, and podcasts. You can download or stream their included titles all you want. The Audible app actually makes it easy to listen anywhere, anytime, while traveling, working out, walking, doing chores, you decide. So as a commuting mom, as I go up and down the road, it makes those four hour drives a breeze. New members can try Audible for free for 30 days. By using my link audible trial.com/alina. Again, that's audible trial.com/alina. Okay, really quickly guys before we hop into today's episode. I need two favors from you. If you are listening right now Click that plus sign for you to follow the show. This really helps us to pop into the algorithm of other and new listeners Number two if you are not already subscribed to my weekly newsletter You are missing out Every Monday, I send out a newsletter called Monday Musings. This is where I share all of my popular links from what I'm reading, the podcast that I'm listening to, what I'm watching, must haves, productivity hacks random storytelling., we have been doing this for about two months now and it's been a ton of fun. So if you're not subscribed, head over to thereminderremedy. com backslash newsletter to get subscribed today.

Alena Conley, TRR:

Hey, welcome back everyone to yet another episode of the Reminder Remedy. I am Alina Conley, your host. And today we are joined by Alexandra Ford. She is coming from the Laughing Survivor, which is a anti human trafficking organization. And so I was very curious about the work that she does. And as her team brought her to me. The headline was like, this is not your average podcast. And I was like, I have got to have her on my show. So I live in Atlanta. Human trafficking obviously is crazy everywhere in the U S right. But in particularly here in my city is something that we've seen on the rise. But one of the things that I wanted to explore beyond something that may seem Almost unreliable to some people who haven't been in that is the experiences of trauma domestic abuse, these things that essentially are gateways into this space, right? Which we know can tend to be something that I would say one in five people that I personally know have experienced. and now with me being a mom of four and raising children in this metropolitan city, my my nine year old just went to his first. Sleepover last week. And I was like having this whole like moment of what happens if somebody like puts you on the black market? Like all this crazy stuff went through my mind. Anyways, I'm rambling. So tell us your story and tell us how you got into this space.

Track 1:

Hi, and thank you so much for having me in your space. And that is a big question, so let me see if I can try and answer it without rambling too much myself. So I, like you said, I work under the brand The Laughing Survivor, and I actually got into the anti trafficking space as I know it now. in about 2018 when I discovered what happened to me in 2007 was actually human trafficking. And that was like a Mind explosion. Because I was more than 10 years out of that situation. I had always labeled it as domestic violence, like you had, looked at that connection already, or mentioned that connection. And it wasn't until I met a new friend, I was living in Wyoming at the time, and I met this woman, and she was doing anti trafficking work, and I said, I know absolutely nothing about human trafficking but I really want to continue to work in the helping field, in the criminal justice field, which I had now been working in for 10 years. So maybe you can teach me about trafficking, and I'll tell you a little bit about my story. And I told her about my story, and it was her name's Terry she really gently introduced this idea to me that perhaps what happened to me wasn't domestic violence and a whole bunch of my own bad decisions and my own fault. That what happened to me was actually human trafficking. And from there, once I wrapped my head around that which took a minute we co founded Uprising, which is an anti human trafficking nonprofit based out of Sheridan, Wyoming, that works specifically in education and prevention, like really helping communities understand what trafficking is and how they can instill protective factors and safety nets within their community to keep their communities as safe as possible. So that is how I am the laughing survivor. Then I moved back to Canada and rather than start another non profit, I started the Laughing Survivor, from which I do similar, like I talk about my story and I educate about trafficking.

Alena Conley, TRR:

So if you had to just even define human trafficking, so that moment, she gave you that light bulb. What did she say to you?

Track 1:

I was a 20 year old who was chock full of trauma. I had been sexually abused as a kid, and I had this adjust gotten, it found its way into the criminal justice system, so we were going to court. I was going to court against my abuser, and I was doing drugs, and I was just like a big ball of trauma and mess, and I started dating the town drug dealer. And throughout our relationship, which wasn't very long, he started asking me to help him make money. And it looked different ways, whether it was helping him steal by using my body to distract people, or it ended up with me being on stage at a strip club, or him selling photos of me that I didn't necessarily approve that he could do. I, throughout our relationship, all of those things that I just described, I thought it was my fault. I thought of I dated the guy, I said yes to the first sort of, Okay, I'll help you steal this. I really felt like all the other things that happened were my fault. However, our relationship was really violent, so I knew there was domestic violence in there. That was obvious. If someone hits you or hurts you, that's domestic violence. That seemed very obvious to me. What Terry explained to me was really helping to look at my situation through the lens of consent. Because while I may have said yes to that first, Hey, I'll help you with this in this manner. That doesn't mean I gave consent to, all the other things that happened after that. And even more he was using my body to make himself money. And that's where we get into the definition of trafficking. So when he said, Hey, you're going to use your body in whatever manner, Whatever thing of value you get in return, whether it's something I, that's stolen or someone gives you money when you're on stage, that money is mine. So the fact that my body was being used in commercial sex acts and he was keeping the money, that's where we get into the definition of trafficking. And what was really confusing to me, like I said, was that I had agreed to that first, thing, the first step towards that. But while I didn't agree to the other things, I also, didn't scream no and help me while I was on stage at a strip club. I did what he asked because there was so much violence in our relationship, because I knew there would be punishment if I didn't. And that's where we get into the idea of coercive control and trauma bonding. And Again, back to that word consent. If you can't say no, your yes is not a yes, right? We have to talk about consent a little bit more broadly away from what I certainly learned about it as is no means no. We really have to broaden that idea to only an enthusiastic yes is a yes. I wasn't giving that.

Alena Conley, TRR:

enthusiastic yes is law? Or if I said, Hey, I didn't have an enthusiastic yes, but I really didn't feel safe saying no, could that be something that I could go to court about? Or how does the law look at, or does it vary state to state?

Track 1:

It would vary, certainly. It depends on what you can prove. That's where things get, can get very difficult with trafficking cases. That's why a lot of trafficking cases are actually put out or charged as domestic violence because you can prove If someone hit you, especially if you have visible injuries, or pictures of injuries, or something like that, if we're talking about physical violence. When you have someone who's being prostituted, for example, they have a pimp, and they are, working out of a hotel room, seeing, several clients a night. It's hard to prove if you didn't want to be there, why didn't you ask any of these strangers for help? Why didn't you just walk out the door? You weren't chained in that room. You had physical freedom. And this is where we have to start understanding, understanding the psychological bonds and the psychological violence and coercion that happens within trafficking situations, because it's not More often than not, trafficking victims are not chained up, we're not held by ropes or handcuffs or anything like that. We are trauma bonded to our trafficker, or we genuinely think, we're literally brainwashed, we genuinely think I want to be here and I want to do this because to think the other thought that I don't want to be here and I don't want to do this means you have to recognize that you're not free. And that is a big thing to try and wrap your mind around.

Alena Conley, TRR:

So as you're doing this work, what do you feel is the most value that you can add when talking to someone? Is it. First recognizing what's causing the psychological bond. Is it awareness? Is it, intervention? If someone is listening to this right now and they're having just a moment where they're like, Oh shit, like I'm or I know that I should be out of this relationship, but I keep going back. What would you say is something that can help somebody get themselves out of a current situation?

Track 1:

That's a good question. Look for the resources around you, friends, family, centers. I've asked previously or taught law enforcement to ask who keeps the money. If you're back and forth hold on, I like some of what I do, or I agreed to some of it, or it's not so bad. Who keeps the money? Do you get off stage or at the end of the night have to hand over all your money? That's worth considering further. Are you safe? Do you feel safe to say no to things? Often these days, more and more healthcare workers are trained in recognizing trafficking and the unique needs of trafficking victims. So that's always a good place or a good resource to go. But if you can, ask for help. There's the National Human Trafficking Hotline. I, we I don't, I never have it memorized because I'm not great with numbers and memorizing them, but you could put it in your show notes, if anybody needs it. I think the other thing to focus on is You're listening to this and you're thinking, huh, my friend keeps telling me she loves what she's doing, but I don't necessarily believe it. Or I think she's not safe or needs help. I always tell people keep offering help. I know it's frustrating when you offer someone help and they, maybe not literally, but figuratively spit in your face or say they're fine. And you're like, you're not fine. I think you need help. Most people don't accept help until they're ready. And that can take that. That may not be until the 17th offer of help. The 17th time they've said they've heard someone tell you, I love you. I'm here for you. How can I help? But you're not going to get to that 17th time if you haven't offered 16 times leading up to that. So keep offering help. Keep being there and showing that you love and support them and you're judgment free and you'll help them get out of the situation if The

Alena Conley, TRR:

So thinking back to, you said you mentioned that 10 years had passed since you have been out of your domestic situation where you came into this work. But thinking back to the person that you had to become to get out of that, right? So if I make this even more relatable, right? Not to say that it's not relatable, but as you're talking, I'm thinking about choices that I've made. Like I always had a history of just not dating standup guys, and I have done a lot of work and had very, Deep conversations with myself, my therapist, my husband to understand if you knew from the beginning that this guy was not a great guy, were you so invested in the effort to make it work or change this person? And I think that Even when you talk about who, who keeps the money, it may not even necessarily be a transactional thing where, Oh, I'm being prostituted. And I'm, I'm getting on a stage and giving you money, but it's. I'm dealing with your shit because you're paying my bills, you're paying for my tuition, you're paying my car note. Whatever it is, right? It's still the transaction and the dependency on somebody. could also be, when I think about, for me, the choices were always. Ego, right? I can't let another woman win my prize, right? Or whatever it is. And so there were all of these things that were really less about it was a lot of what they were doing, but also, if I'm a repeat offender of bad guys, it's not just the guys, right? It's me kind of decisions and having to take responsibility to do the work, in my opinion. It's okay. At this point, choices that I made put me in a situation. It may not have been full consent, but I also, to some degree, want to do the work. To make the choice to be different. And I could be being very I could be being very insensitive to something that is a lot deeper. Cause I haven't been in a space where I can't ultimately just choose. Like I've always been mentally in a space and has a support system where somebody would just show up at my door, like, all right, we leave it. Thinking back to your situation, what are some of the things that you had to tell yourself to realize I want more for myself?

Track 1:

reason I finally got out of that situation was after, I think it was the third attempt on my life. And I realized, if I stay with him and I if I'm staying with him because I'm scared he's going to kill me, if I try and leave, at this point, he's trying to kill me while I'm with him. I'm dead either way. I May as well try. And, when I did escape I moved to a town from where I lived, about six hours away, and I went to post secondary education, I went to school. And I literally just packaged everything that had just happened basically up in a box and put it on a shelf in my brain and was like that didn't happen. We are not talking about that. I specifically chose a town that he had been in jail in and he had told me he could never go back to. Because I thought it would keep me safe. It didn't. He found me. And at that point I went to the police. Now, that's the physical, how did I get myself away? Now, what you are also asking, I think, is about the psychological. How did, how to make changes so you don't end up in the same pattern? Cause we also know a lot of people who are, trafficked, but also if you're talking about domestic violence, you end up in this pattern of, wait, why am I in an abusive situation again? I just got myself out of this. How am, how does this keep happening? And I think it is a very delicate conversation different people see it different ways, but it is a delicate conversation between not taking ownership for the victimization that you experienced, because you don't deserve to be hit or sold or anything, ever. But, Also, or and, I'll say and rather than but, and taking ownership

Alena Conley, TRR:

yeah.

Track 1:

and building of yourself you need to do so you don't keep making choices that get you into dangerous situations or bad relationships or whatever it is. So I think what you're saying, you're saying you talk to your therapist and your husband and you found yourself in several, maybe not great situations. How do you move out of that? For me, that process is one that I continue To do, I continue to get better at I continue to find myself in the middle of an old pattern, having no idea how I got there, because I thought I was past it, I thought I was better than it, and then I'm like, what? I'm here again? You've got to be kidding me. Like, how? Okay, I need to go back to my therapist now and be like, how did this happen? I was just in, I'm supposed to be in my happily ever after, I'm supposed to have leveled up and sealed that part and not go back, and here I am. finding myself that I'm in the middle of this damn situation again. It's okay I'm a visual person. So we had this whole like, okay, maybe you healed it, but there was just a little bit of a festering wound there still. And or you've healed it now. And when you got into that relationship, it wasn't healed. So now that's why you're able to look at this relationship all of a sudden and be like Oh no. This isn't going to work for me. I need to. step away or whatever it is. I think giving ourselves permission to both be healing and a mess at the same time is incredibly important. You don't just take that moment of empowerment or weeks or whatever it is where you walk away from the bad relationship or the bad job or the relative who you have to cut off or whatever it is and go, ah, okay, I've leveled up, I'm done, blah, blah, blah. You have to figure out A, celebrate what got you to that moment where you could step away and figure out what got you to the point where you were also in that relationship and make sure you don't let go of the person who, who took the deep breath and stepped away, while also ensuring that you are examining the person who, put up with whatever it was for however long to make sure you can start working to heal those parts of you. It's not all or nothing, right? It's not you're healed and you're good now, it's you're healing. And there's parts of you that are still messy, and that's okay.

Alena Conley, TRR:

I love that. I think that's such a good point that you make because it really is never, Oh, I've reached this point. I personally don't think that's how life is designed. This earth and this body and our soul moves on to get another mission. I truly believe it's us learning what we're supposed to learn in different modalities. And I think that even with me now having three boys. I always say I feel like I had three boys and I have, I do have a girl and I wanted just all girls because I think it went back to just my, whatever I felt about the opposite sex for the longest, right? And so it's now raising, young boys into men, the appreciation for, You know what it is to be someone, of the opposite sex is impacting me in a positive way. And when I think about all things working for the good, I can see that. And when you think about your childhood and I like to bring up childhood trauma and different things. personally, because it helps me think through why I do the things that I do, not even just with relationship choices, but it could be, why do I have social anxiety? Why do I dress the way that I dress? What were the cultural influences on body language? Whatever. I'm always just trying to like, unpeel the layers of myself.

Track 1:

love that.

Alena Conley, TRR:

Hey, if you had to think about your upbringing or early exposures, what do you think may have impacted, decisions or environments that led you to that particular season of life?

Track 1:

I, first of all, love that, and I do the exact same thing, as Oh, that's an interesting behavior or choice let's dig down and see where that started, or what do we think the root of it is? And is it internal, is it external, is it micro external, family or macro, society? I absolutely love that. I love digging into that. Think there's sometimes an expectation when someone experiences severe abuse or something as severe as trafficking that you must have come from, a quote unquote broken home or something like that, and that's part of the reason I started sharing my story is because I didn't. I came from a very normal, very boring middle class, suburban family, parents together until I was in my late teens, older brother, good grades in school. I was actually a child advocate was a big nerd.

Alena Conley, TRR:

was interesting. I was like, wait, did I read that? You were a child advocate for sex trafficking only to then become a victim.

Track 1:

Yeah But I wasn't, I wouldn't have when I was an advocate when I was a teen, or 11 years old is when I started advocacy work. I didn't know it had anything to do with trafficking. I didn't connect those until I was older. I was an anti child labor advocate. I found out, my teacher read my class an article about how about sweatshops and that there was these sweatshops, in Central America and India and all these places where kids my age were having to work 12 hours to make clothes and all of this and the horrific conditions they were working in. And the article is actually also about a boy from Toronto, so the major city nearby Who, he was a few years older than me, and he started a non profit about kids helping kids, about kids create getting school and health kits together to send to kids who had been rescued from these conditions. And so that, I thought, I was like, kids can do things? Kids can have a voice? I'm here for that. Now, at that point, I was like a super nerd. I liked books more than people. I had one eyebrow that like, started at my temple and went right across my face to the other temple. It was not subtle. Big round glasses, buck teeth, because I sucked my thumb until I was like 10. I was not, the cool kid by any stretch. And becoming a child advocate did not, make me the cool kid by any stretch of the imagination. But as I've unpacked this, there's a couple things that I wonder, and you have no way of knowing exactly, of course, but in my early advocacy, I and some friends and I collected signatures for a petition to send to our government asking them to strengthen laws against child labor and exploitation. And a lot of the times, as we went knocking on doors and set up a booth in the mall and all of this collecting signatures, We got, pardon me, we got adults, looking at us being like did your parents put you up to this? No. And they're like, I don't believe you. So I was doing this thing that I knew was morally very good. That's, you're, I was the good kid, right? And adults didn't seem to believe me. So that I think was one part of the issue. And the other part was because I was such a nerd I was so desperate to be loved. Now my parents loved me 100%, but as I, moved into. Teenage, like preteen and teen, I was being fed by society, by everything that, as a girl, the most important thing about me was how I looked, and how boys responded to me, right? And the looks I just described to you didn't exactly mean I was trading high on the dollar, right? Boys did not respond to me I was a nerd, and I was, I felt, I didn't Like I had no worth because I was being taught at that time, my value was entirely based in my looks and how boys responded to me. So there's this perfect storm when my friend's uncle started grooming me and in turn sexually assaulting me throughout my entire teenage years. Years, basically at 13, he's showing interest in me and he's not a boy. He's a man. So suddenly I must be like, I'm winning, right? Oh, I may not get boys attention, but I get a man's attention. So that I must be winning this somewhere down the road. And also, it took me a long time to connect it, but that part about adults not believing me when I was doing something good, I think took root in my mind somewhere, because while what was happening with my friend's uncle, On a very conscious level, I thought of it as a clandestine relationship. I thought I was worldly and mature, but on a subconscious level, I knew something wasn't okay with it because I didn't tell anyone about it, right? He was in his 30s I was smart enough to know something wasn't quite right. But I think part of me also thought, who's going to believe me? And look at you, you're not exact. Like, why would he be after you? You're not pretty, you're not like all of this. So Created this perfect storm that allowed him to prey on me. And in turn, my response, like a lot of people say, weed is the gateway drug. I'll challenge that. Trauma is the gateway drug for most of us.

Alena Conley, TRR:

On. That's the truth right there.

Track 1:

right?

Alena Conley, TRR:

And it's, when you think about, this is why, when I go back to my anxiousness last week with my son, and my husband was like. is going on with you? Like, why are you tripping? It's because have tried to become very aware of the things that are just out in the world, right? Like I didn't experience it, but I listened to enough podcasts. I watched enough TV where nine times out of 10, this is happening with family members. friends, older siblings. So if you're, if I'm sending my child somewhere and they have older siblings or they have parents and parents, friends that are going to be coming through the house, who's, who's to say what's going to happen. And so I think that, that's a big part of it is we have seen so much, and I've seen a lot of people talk about this because. As a parent of so many little ones, but coming from my, I was my mother's only child. I have been on a rant for the last decade about, Oh, bring back the village. Like moms don't have support. And when I see. Conversations about this. The other side of the coin to the village is no, because the village was molesting our kids. And so when I read that, I was just like, Oh, my God I didn't ever think about it that way in terms of why, we live in this society where homes are so broken up, or you have this this the term that I'm looking for? Nuclear family, because you're going off and you're just trying to protect your bubble because now you don't know who you can trust, right? So not only can you not trust the world, you can't trust your family members. And I just never had that perspective. The other thing that you said was about the cultural societal impacts. And I believe that was What impacted my dating choices. I grew up Catholic. It was never many guys in my class. It was always mostly girls. I think even in middle school, we didn't even have any black guys in the class. So it was like, okay, I'm gonna either date like, this, or this. white guy in my class or I'm just not gonna date right and so there was just like a lot of stuff So then when I went to high school, I finally was able to be in an environment that looked like TV shows like oh Let me take the football player. I'm a cheerleader. Let me take the job Let me take the guy with the car, and it was like almost Romanticizing these things from TV, you know Really just had this conversation Maybe three weeks ago. Cause I was like, why did I do this? Cause I was like, what would make you make these choices? You were a smart girl. And I think that it was that moment that I realized that yes, some of it did have to do with like environment and not getting like some of the actual vocal affirmation that I probably needed from my father. Cause like you, I grew up in a two parent home, middle class, but. We weren't having conversations about relationships and, what I should expect from men or even sex, like I always tease my mom, like my mom is 70 plus. I have four kids and she still hasn't had the birds and bees conversation with me. I'm like, when are we going to have it? When are we going to have it? And so that's not to throw my parents under the bus, but it's just are so many things that impact the choices that we make. And a lot of it is. This outside view. And so the work that you do, I know that you talk with a lot of organizations, but have you done any work with parents? Because we have a lot of parents that listen to this show. And I can only imagine outside of them healing themselves. They're also at this place where they're like how do I protect my children, from groomed or dealing with these types of environments? Yeah.

Track 1:

to parents the best work you can do, the most important work you can do is heal yourself, like you just said. And it's not to throw our parents under the bus when we talk about things. It's to recognize what We can do better, right? I think it is more important to be a good ancestor than to be a good descendant. You want to honor your children more than your parents, right? You want every generation to be better, know more be kinder, more successful, and not, I'm not just talking money, like emotional success and relational success and all of that. So yes, heal yourself and recognize. if and where there's been generational trauma passed down. The other thing I think is, there was a lot of belief, I think, for a long time, just don't talk about the hard things with your kids, right? You don't want to have a hard conversation? Don't have it. Because I don't want to ruin my kids innocence, right? I don't, I'm not, I feel uncomfortable. I don't want to have this. They'll figure it out somehow. And to that, I say Talking about trafficking or exploitation, or consent, or healthy relationships, or healthy sex that doesn't ruin your kid's innocence. Being abused, being trafficked having experiences of non consent not having good sexual experiences, that ruins your child's innocence. A lot faster with a lot more long lasting effects. And also the other thing I always tell parents when I do work with them is just because you don't want to have the conversation or you're not ready, doesn't mean they're not going to go and find out about it. It just means they're not going to learn about it from you. And I promise you, you don't want them learning about sex from the bowels of the internet or from their peers who learned about it from the bowels of the internet or their peers, older siblings, or something like that. Like you want to be the baseline of information. So that way when they get. Other information that may be contradictory to what you're talking to them about. Porn's a great example. You don't want to talk to your kids about sex and what healthy sex looks like and, shared intimacy and asking for consent because it's awkward. Yes, it's awkward. Then, Their first sex education will more than likely be pornography. And I don't know about, not to throw anybody under the bus here, I don't know about you and anyone who may or may not have watched pornography, but it's not usually depicting the most loving, healthy, intimate, shared connection, partnership sex. So that's not that you don't want that to be the foundation because then when you come in two years later and say Sex should look like this and they have two years of a baseline being like no sex looks like being choked Like that's baseline sex. You're like wait what? This is, okay, no. Now I wish I'd had that conversation. The other thing I'll throw out there is, when I talk about trafficking, I get a lot of parents who are like, Oh my god, you're telling me this is one more thing I didn't think I had to worry about because I live in America, and that's a problem for those people over there, whatever that means. And now you're telling me this is one more thing I have to be paranoid about and terrified about, and oh my god.

Alena Conley, TRR:

Right.

Track 1:

that, I say the protective factors you put in place to help raise kind, loving, empathetic humans who understand boundaries, who stand up for not only themselves but others, who understand what it feels like to have a boundary crossed, and I don't mean in a sexually abusive way, but in a I don't feel like my friend is treating me right way starting there, those are the same protective factors that, get kids through adolescence with hopefully the least amount of trauma possible.

Alena Conley, TRR:

Yeah.

Track 1:

there's so many things you can do, and the biggest one right now, I think, is, Apart from those things, having conversations about consent and healthy relationships and all of that is just online safety. That is, you can't just ignore the need to be, to have good, online health with your kids and good conversations. And I'm not here to be the cell phone police and say, your kid can't have a cell phone until they're 14, because every kid's different, their maturity levels are different. You do, however, as a parent, need to keep some reins on that as they're learning to use it. It's a tool, like any tool. It can be extremely helpful when used properly. It can be extremely dangerous when used improperly.

Alena Conley, TRR:

Yeah. For sure. I think that is that is one of the harder things is that balance between technology, but then it's also like when you're parenting. you can't, it's hard to parent the things that you have, like you weren't parented on. I don't know if that makes

Track 1:

A hundred percent.

Alena Conley, TRR:

Find it easier to parent my daughter because she's a girl, right? And I know things. But, with that being said, the things that she'll experience are completely different. She's growing up in a completely different environment where she's comparing herself to standards that I didn't necessarily grow up with. And I find that to be a struggle sometimes, like what's the right thing to say? She is in a sport where she's in gymnastics, where we know. Grooming happens often. And grew up with the aunt who everybody, everybody was a rapist in her eyes, like wherever you go, where there's kids, look for the predator, and she raised us like that. And so I'm parenting my children similar to what I experienced, but they quickly realized, okay, that's not the best healthy way because now they just. paranoid and anxious and all of these things, so I'm having to really get very mindful and intentional around what is the right conversation. Because I think that words and the way that you deliver them can be so powerful, but it's also like you want them to develop emotions where if you're not there or emotional regulation, where if you're not there, they can make that same decision or they can at least pause enough to think about what they're doing.

Track 1:

Yeah. All of that. Very true. There is a fine line between, being aware and being paranoid. And, I straddle that line constantly. So I, I hear that and I feel that I think the biggest thing is your kids best, your child trust that, your child. So you know what their skills are their skills, emotional regulation, are their skills asking for help? Are those are baseline things you have? What are they not so good at? Are they not so good at maybe honesty when They've made a mistake or something like that. And those are the areas you really want to work on. I think with kids of any age, a great place to start trying to get yourself in the habit of is when they ask you a question about anything, pause and respond with, what do you think? So before, you impart a whole bunch of knowledge about something That maybe you've misheard them or you're going off on a tangent, figure out what they think, figure out what their baseline of knowledge is, and that may actually give you some indication of, like, why they're asking this question. Did it come up because they saw it on a TV show, or is it come up because it's a issue they're dealing with? Among their friends or something like that. Again, I think so many of those protective factors, you never know for sure. When you start releasing your child into the world more and more, as they, get older, my kids are almost three and four, so they're not released anywhere, right? Like they're, I still have full control over them. But I talked to them about. Their body parts about consent about what it feels like to be anxious or uncomfortable, what that might feel like in their body and who they can talk to, if they feel those feelings and all of those things, because I'm setting groundwork for as they get older. I think the one conversation also that we need to make sure we're having as parents, because we're so worried about we don't want bad things to happen to you ever. So like I'm having all these preventative conversations, right? Don't do this. Don't do that. Make good choices for the love of God, please. But we forget to have a conversation of when you make a mistake. Because you will, Is how I will show up for you. This is how I will still love you. I will, no matter what the mistake is. Because we're seeing, for example, in the area I work, so trafficking, we're seeing a rise of sextortion. And so that is when someone often, we saw a case recently where someone met someone online, They met on a game and then person asked them to move to a different platform, Snapchat or something. They got to talking. Now this person is a stranger, but they don't feel like a stranger to the child because they've gotten to know them. The person says they maybe live in their neighborhood or used to go to their school or whatever it is. And at some point they get asked for pictures. And at some point, sexually suggestive picture, the child sends sexually suggestive pictures of themselves. Now, once that person gets it, they say, Send me a hundred bucks or a thousand bucks or whatever it is, or I'm telling everyone you sent this to me. I'm going to put this photo all over your school.

Alena Conley, TRR:

This just happened in my family. Literally got access to one of my family members, iCloud Like just pictures everywhere, and I'm just like, luckily, it wasn't a child, but I can see how that can become a huge thing. And then to your point, them trying to hide it, and not have, the feeling comfortable enough to come and have these conversations. I think that, as we, I think the direction that I want to go with wrapping it all up though is Exactly what you said and this is probably the most powerful thing that i've heard in the last 30 days And I listen to a lot. So this says a lot said to Be a better ancestor than a then A better be a better ancestor than you are a descendant. Is that how you

Track 1:

Yeah.

Alena Conley, TRR:

That is so like when I tell you that is going to be a quotable because I have thought a lot about this when it comes to The space that i'm in which is coaching and self development And you know this season we're focusing on how do you lead oneself so that you can lead others? and The reason why I think so many people You Find lack of motivation or feel stuck or feel like I don't know if it's just time to invest in myself is because They still haven't realized that the reason that we become better humans Is so that we can serve other humans and the moment that clicks Especially when you have children, but I don't even think it should just end at children. It should end up anybody that you're meant to have an impact on. It changes the accountability that you have. And when you're sharing things about these, this is our reality. These are the things that we're experiencing. In order for you to have healthy conversations with your children and, thus your children's children, you have to do the work on yourself. So that looks like communication. Number one, regulation. I talk a lot about emotional intelligence, when, even when I work with like educational environments, You can't tell a child's parent, help them with executive functioning skills when they barely have executive functioning skills, they barely know how to regulate themselves. And so this point, because there's been enough trauma, generational trauma that's happened. We do know enough to now realize that there is a benefit in healing our trauma in multiple ways. And this is why. So that I can communicate with my child effectively. So they can trust me. So we can build relationships so that hopefully when this happens, they can come home, right? Because we know it's going to happen. And so I think that to me is The biggest part of the work for listeners is continuing, continue to do that self discovery on what it's going to take for you to put yourself in a place where you can impact people in this positive way. Before I let you go one of the things that when we think about You know going deep with self so that you can go wide with others I always ask my guests, you know Now that you have had these personal experiences, obviously, you're now starting to serve the masses. I can see the impact that you're making But if you have to even think beyond just like the people that you've touched What kind of impact can we have when it comes to? Laws and policy especially with this being an election year Like what are some of the things that as individuals? We should be doing when it comes to advocating for more protection around these things.

Track 1:

Educate yourself first. I think something like trafficking, for example, is such a hot button topic and it seems like it should be nonpartisan, right? Trafficking bad. Nobody wants trafficking. It gets problematic and it's state by state, is how some of the language that's used in laws, so you still have, for example, some language used that says child prostitute. There's no such thing as a child prostitute. The age of 18 cannot consent to commercial sex. That is a child being sexually assaulted, right? But still, in some states, they can be arrested and have a criminal record. That, to me, is just mind blowingly bonkers. So I would say educate within your Educate yourself with how laws look in your state. You can look up, if you look up the Polaris Project they give state grades that talk about, how have things have benefited or changed In the last I think it's a year, they do it yearly, and they give us each state a grade based on different topics, so you can learn about what's happening there, and it all comes back in, in my opinion, it all comes back to education, so are we talking about these subjects at home? Are we talking about them at school? Are we talking about them in a way that is That's it. Authentic and truthful or do we still use images of trafficking victims who are handcuffed in a basement because that's not the reality for most of us and then we're just perpetrating myths. So I think if you want to make an impact, I used to have this chart that I used and it was like, money and time. If you have a lot of money and a lot of time, maybe you can work on a political campaign or donate or something like that. If you have time but no money, Maybe you can just work on educating yourself. That might mean listening to this podcast. It might be, doing some research. Go to UprisingYO. org. There's resources on there for both parents and kids, teens, too.

Alena Conley, TRR:

called?

Track 1:

UprisingYO, W Y O dot org. That's my non profit. Look, educate yourself. If you have money but no time donate to an organization that you've checked out to make sure they're doing work that aligns with your values. Just get involved in some way. I love what you said earlier. It's not just about kids. It's about community. And I think one of the things is where I get frustrated is I'm really exhausted of explaining to people that they should care about other people. The baseline should be, you care about other people and you want to leave the world a better place than when you entered it. And so whatever that looks like for you within boundaries of your comfort, capability, time, money, all of that, just. Do something. Do something that you know brings about positive change, even if it's just checking on your elderly neighbor every other day and bringing them a smile. Whatever it is, put some good out into that world because that amplifies and that's how we create a better world.

Alena Conley, TRR:

Yes. Mic drop for that. Mic drop for that. It's so good. I feel like our conversation went like here, but it was like, it's all connected. And I think that I'm just excited to be able to put a piece of this into the world. Because I do know that, it is a conversation that, especially in my community. Is still touchy, because there are so many people that are still just dealing with whatever they experience. We're just now getting to the place where we're going to see therapist or working with coaches to heal ourselves. But hopefully that this is motivation to. Continue to allow yourself to get messy while doing the work, right? Like how you said, it's not going to be I'm going in one session and I'm good. You don't have to be completely healed to do the work, and I think that that's one of the big takeaways. Me today is just continue to spread that message is we're all going to work. It's never going to be over. But that doesn't mean that we can't still on the other side of thing can't be, it doesn't have to be an and, or it could just be, I'm doing both at the same time. So you so much for sharing this hour with me. I learned a lot. I'll definitely add all of the. Links and the resources that you mentioned today and if you have any that come up or that you have any initiatives Please send it our way and we'll definitely get it out to our mailing list So thank you for joining us and thank you guys for tuning in to yet another episode of the reminder remedy

Track 1:

Thank you.

Thank you for tuning in to get another episode of the reminder remedy. If you haven't already be sure to follow us on Instagram at the reminder remedy, as well as my personal page at Alina Conley and check out our latest workshops and resources at the reminder remedy.

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Alena Conley

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